I think we've all been there; coming to work and noticing how someone has made a mess out of your otherwise organized desk, or walking up to the locker at school and finding it being covered with provocative slurs. It's that "secret" enemy of yours that doesn't like you but is too afraid to tell you between four eyes. What to do?

People in our society today are afraid of confrontation. We're told everywhere that we're not allowed to say or do anything that might hurt, offend, discriminate or make someone sad. So instead we end up walking around with a lot of aggression and ill intentions inside that one way or the other have to come out. It makes us neurotic and split about our own feelings toward others.

Psychologists call the behaviour "passive-aggressive," meaning that the person in question is hostile or otherwise aggressive in an indirect way. This is so common today that most people don't even reflect over it. Your passive enemy will try to hurt you without openly revealing his or her intentions; he might spill coffee on your documents "by accident," fill your email inbox with anonymous but aggressive threats, ignore you as if you were air or spread ill rumours about you that aren't true.

What makes these people hard to deal with is that they never attack you directly. They're waiting for you to do something back and when you do so, they'll point at you with a finger and claim you are the perpetrator. They will suddenly play the victim and call for other people's sympathy. It's a childish behaviour that reveals a fear of honest confrontation.

In my experience, the best way of dealing with these people is to simply walk up to them in private and let them know that you're aware of what they're up to and that the game is over. Don't be afraid of being aggressive yourself at this point, since this is what the perpetrator actually fears: an honest and direct confrontation with you.

Here are a few practical suggestions on how to confront passive enemies:

- Identify the main problem; why are you under attack?

- Understand that passive-aggression is a language and that the perpetrator has something he or she wants to tell you

- Explain to them clearly why they are doing what they are; let them know you've seen through their game

- Show them that you will retaliate by forcing them to articulate their motivations -- they can't hide!

Passive-aggression is a form of childish bullying and as such it must be treated. You'll never be free until you fight back. It doesn't even have to be a matter of who's "winning" a fight, be it physical or verbal -- what bullies and passive-aggressors are waiting for is for you to mark your stance. Nobody likes to pick on a person that fights back, which is why bullies choose easy victims and passive-aggressors hide behind indirect attacks.

Avoid falling into these patterns yourself by always saying no when something's wrong and not waiting for a "better moment" to speak the truth about how you feel. Sometimes passive-aggressors simply want to get in contact with you but don't know how - which is why it's recommended to first try to reconcile and discuss the issue, especially if it's between relatives, family members, boy/girlfriend or husband/wife. If the person refuses or continues his/her game, show no mercy and, like Hamlet, find equally strategic ways of putting an end to a modern theatre play we can live without.