"Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes,
He only does it to annoy,
Because he knows it teases"

So sang the Duchess' cook to her baby in Lewis Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland".

It is often assumed that disciplining children is all about harsh words and punishment, yet really the purpose of discipline is to teach the child a skill that will serve them well in adulthood: self discipline.

All children need to be taught self-discipline. This is something the parent must do out of love and a sense of responsibility - to help their child. Any discipline that is purely a release of frustration on the part of the parent is harmful to the child's mental state. To shout at, or hit a child in anger will send a message out that the parent lacks self-control and lacks discipline themselves. It encourages the child to think that disputes are better solved by losing their temper and lashing out.

This is not to say that there is no place for verbal or physical admonishment. At times this is the right way to deal with a misbehaving child, and it is hugely preferable to the various passive-aggressive alternatives (such as "love withdrawal") that modern liberals practice. Discipline should be aimed at rearing a child who feels loved, secure and confident, and who can master their emotions appropriately.

All children are different, and react differently to attempts to discipline them. Most are very sensitive to the disapproval of their parents, and feel a strong need to be in favor. Such children react especially well to praise as a motivation to behave well. If the parent rarely shows praise, the child may conclude that pleasing the parent is near impossible - and this leads to the child becoming more likely to be disobedient. Then again, too frequent praise becomes devalued and loses impact.

Shouting at, or punishing a child over all kinds of trivialities that really don't matter is also a way to make the child more disobedient. He or she doesn't see the reason why the parent is (over) reacting and feels that "if I get told off for everything I do, why bother trying to be 'good'?"

Never offer a child a bribe of any kind. Sometimes reward them after especially good behavior, but don't make a habit of that either, otherwise the child will assume that there will be rewards forthcoming (= bribe). The child has to do things as they should regardless of rewards.

Giving reasons to justify your disapproval or to encourage correct behavior is important. Very young children, who lack verbal comprehension, will not respond to reasoning. They also haven't reached a "moral" understanding beyond the idea that some actions are bad simply because something uncomfortable will happen to them. They may require occasional firm, pseudo-angry, reprimands which can include light physical contact. This can be to stop them running across a busy road, or prodding objects into electric sockets for example - considerations of safety.

If you make threats, such as not allowing the child pocket money that week, or limiting time playing at a friend's house, these should always be meant. As tiresome as it is for the parent, it is important not to go soft on a threatened punishment and let it go. If you do, the child will not take similar threats seriously in future, and you'll seem weak. Similarly, if you back down when your child throws a tantrum or attempts to pressure you into letting them have their way, this will reinforce their manipulative technique.

Children need clear boundaries and they will attempt to test their limits. A child allowed to do anything they like will feel less secure than a child who knows that his or her parents are actively protecting them from harm and guiding them. It shows the parent cares.

Children should be encouraged to do jobs around the house. They should be taught good manners - appreciating efforts that others have made for their sake. They need sensible bed times, instruction on how to eat, study, exercise and so on. These things are all a matter of discipline. Children also need reasonable freedom of choice. They shouldn't be made into automatons, merely obeying instructions. The parent should teach the child so that the child can learn to live independently and make the right decisions for themselves.

Parenting is not easy. Few, if any, parents are "perfect". With your first child, you begin a steep learning curve that will lead to being more confident about raising subsequent children. A well disciplined brother or sister will be a massively positive influence on their sibling, just as misbehavior is also copied. Teach the first child well, and you can save effort later on. Above all, never underestimate the necessity of being a good role model yourself.