As we drove to Zack and Louise's place I tried to convey my feelings of inadequacy. I have always been concerned that they think me cheap. I am not anywhere near as sophisticated as Louise. It seemed that Joe was on my wavelength, because he gave me a reassuring smile.

While we stood outside the door of the house, Joe said to me "Don't worry love, that high maintenance bitch is just jealous that you're so much sexier than she is." He must have seen the look Louise gave me when we met last month. She is a latex, fully flexible lifelike model with real hair, while mine is immobile plastic. She was even custom-made by GOD, "Geoff's Original Dolls."

Unfortunately Joe's words were overheard by Zack. He let us into the house, frowning, and then hissed at Joe "My wife is high class. Don't you call her a 'high maintenance bitch'. I heard you!"

Not being the tactful type, Joe, inadvisably, tried to reason with his friend, "Let's face it though Zack, yours wants her hair done every day and it takes a lot longer to clean her orifices out compared to Suzy."

"My wife looks so natural, unlike your artificial slut."

We were now in the sitting room and, as Louise and I looked on in discomfort, the two men squared up to each other, Joe flinging me down next to Louise on the sofa. The baby lay, propped on Louise's lap, looking very realistic and making some authentic gurgling sounds. Clearly it was the latest luxury model.

Joe and Zack began to throw punches and wrestle. I could sense that something tragic was going to happen. With a sudden shock, I felt the weight of Zack falling back onto me. I was losing air fast! Somehow I still managed to maintain consciousness despite my flatness.

"F***ing hell! Look what you did! You killed her! Right, that's it!"

Joe took a ceremonial sword that was hanging on the wall and lifted it into the air. In one swift movement he had entirely decapitated Louise. Then Zack almost knocked him out with a left hook. The baby had fallen onto the floor and this had activated a loud and persistent crying noise that stopped the men and brought them to their senses.

"Sorry mate, you see to the baby," Joe muttered.

"You bastard! You killed his mother! At least yours will be okay with a puncture repair kit. How much do you think mine will cost to put right?"

Joe tried to console his friend. "I really apologize that I offended the honor of your lady."

Zack didn't really seem to want to continue to feel bitter. In fact, he grinned at Joe. "That's no lady, That's my wife," he joked, and the two fell about laughing.

"Heh, just as well she can't slap you in the face for saying that."

"That's why I married her though. She can't stand up for herself - she takes everything lying down!"

This sexist talk was really nothing to me. I'm an inflatable sex doll, my expectations of men are not exactly high.

"When GOD made this woman he wasn't thinking about anything but a man's needs!"

"Did you get the baby from GOD too?" asked Joe.

"Indeed I did. He's recently expanded into children."

"Hmmm." said Joe, "I might just order a new wife and family. Not that I wanted to deflate Suzy, but it looks like she's finished anyway."