I have been sitting here a long time now - so long I have lost track of time. It feels like an eternity. I think I will end my days in this spot, waiting for Death and reflecting over my shit life which has, quite literally, gone down the pipes.

J scares me. That's why I came in here and that's why I didn't want to leave, at first. I locked the door when he was going to hit me and told him I wasn't coming out. He yelled "f*** you!" and went. After an hour or so I just decided to stay put - to make a point. I wanted him to be sorry. Why do I always end up with dudes who are so mean? I must have a victim personality. Pa beat me after mom died. J seems like pa so much. Pa used to lock me in the house. We had no TV, no books, no toys. I got used to being on my own.

Eating, defecating and sleeping. That's all I ever do now. But I have so much time to think. I feel secure here. Calmer than I ever did before. Some Indian dude once stood on one leg for like fifty years or something. It's like that - endurance and pain and mind over body. I get a feeling of inner peace, away from all the frantic pointless activity of the rest of humanity. I know I have been here years, but time is standing still.

I used to dream of having some kids and living happily ever after, as in a fairytale. But a doctor told me I couldn't get pregnant because of something I caught one night when I was drunk. But I wouldn't want kids now anyhow. The whole world's going to Hell. Who'd want to be part of it? It's all so pointless and dangerous. If there's gonna be another World War then I might be safer here on the can, at least until the Chinese turn up. If I stay here, I don't need to do anything. I don't have to go to work. I don't have to go outside and face abuse off people. I can just exist. Nobody likes me. Nobody cares, except J. He brings me food anyway. And that's the most love I've ever had. This way I've got some control, someone doing something for me because "I'm worth it!" like those movie stars say in that ad.

It must be cool to be famous. One show I have always wanted to go on is "Oprah." What would I have to do to get that kind of fame though? Everything I do is a failure. I just wanna sit in here and watch that spider in its web up by the light. For both of us this is home.

I can't feel my legs, and couldn't move even if I wanted to. This used to make my ass hurt so bad in the early days. Now I feel like the toilet and I are becoming as one.

J was here not so long ago, bringing food up for me. I love how he does things for me and shows me consideration I never got until I came here. He never has anything nice to say though. Usually he says nothing. This time he did say something. "You dumb bitch, I'm gonna get you moved off that! I‘m gonna get some help."

"If you tell anyone, you'll get in trouble, you know that," I argued. "They'll want to know why you never told them before."

"Jesus Christ!" J said, and hit his head on the wall, in anger. Then he broke his hand, whacking the door with his fist. Not for the first time. He was using some really foul language after that. "You're scaring me J, don't!" I pleaded.

"You're in the right place for s****ing yourself dumb ass." He got a hold on me and tried to pull me off of the seat, but I was totally stuck - and it hurt real bad. I think he is going to tell someone this time. God damn! That could be kind of embarrassing?