OK, so Christmas has come and gone but we can still prepare you in time for next year. So here are a few tips for ruining your next Secret Santa. For the uninitiated (who are you?), "Secret Santa" is when a group of people agree to put their names in a hat and randomly pick out who they will buy a Christmas gift for, usually with a reasonably restricted price limit. It also leaves a lot of opportunity for some arse to go and ruin it all. Use these tips wisely.

1. Not horrifically bad, but tell everyone individually who your Secret Santa is, making it up each time. If possible, use this information in an exchange so they tell you who their Secret Santa is. Tell this information to the rest of the group one by one.

2. Try to fix the initial raffle so that most people are buying you presents and you aren't buying anyone anything. When you receive your gift for the fifth time, chances are they are about to wise up, so grab the gifts and run off.

3. Target your present for maximum unpleasantness. If you've got a fat girl, buy her a month's gym membership. A girl with a monobrow = tweezers. Someone with a gambling addiction = free bets at the local casino. If you've got no ideas at all, then just buy them a balaclava. No-one will have any use whatsoever for a balaclava, but aside from a brief awkward silence you will most likely get away with it. Then you can grab everyone else's gifts and run off, wearing the balaclava if possible.

4. In the interests of political correctness, always refer to Secret Santa as "Secret Gift Exchange". If there is a Muslim taking part, always make eye contact with him when announcing the name and tell him that you're being especially considerate just for his "special needs". Chances are this will piss either him or everyone else in the group off, but if anyone calls you out, just feign good nature. Consider running off with everyone's gifts.

5. Jokingly tell everyone that your Secret Santa gift will be a turd in a Tupperware box, and when the time comes to exchange gifts give them a turd in a Tupperware box, then run off with the gifts (but leave the turd in a box).

6. Keep telling everyone that you hope no-one poor is buying you your present.

7. Try to exclude homosexuals from the group.