Forget the “wisdom of years” and “ageing gracefully” - this is the 21st century! The name of the game is early retirement. Childhood is a waste of time and working is an even bigger waste, so you want to reach the warm waters of retirement as quickly as possible - preferably before you're wearing Depends! Here are some tips:

College

Yes, money can buy you an education. Major in business or accounting – you’ll only need basic skills in maths and economics. Studying medicine pays off financially, but it takes way too much time, hard work and responsibility. If you’re looking for something slightly more stimulating, study Law. You might have to learn some calculus, so don’t be afraid to cheat -- I recommend learning to ‘text’ without looking. Only read a book if the “cliff notes” are unavailable, and invest in the full Solution Manual for any maths textbooks – or preferably the teacher’s edition. Never waste your time learning about art, history, or science, but remember to complete a foreign language requirement so you can include it in your resume later. College is a time for partying and making contacts; don’t get stuck in the library.

Getting the Job

On the application form, check multiple boxes in the “nationality” section. You just may get hired to fill a quota.

Dress smartly for the interview. You can pass a turd for gold as long as it’s dressed in a suit, leather shoes and a fake Rolex. Wear glasses if possible – they make you look more intelligent and draw attention away from the effects of your hangover. If you can, pin a ribbon or a rose to your jacket so that, if asked, you can claim you’re wearing it in support of some third-world aid operation.

Approach the interview like you would a game of foosball. A few days ahead of time, memorise 2 or 3 “big words” from the dictionary to impress your interviewers. During the interview, speak loudly and enthusiastically, make lots of hand gestures, and pretend to take lots of notes. Remember, your interviewers probably don’t know their arses from their armpits, and you just need to convince them that you know more than they do.

On the Job

The American Dream is about opportunity; nobody said anything about hard work - we have immigrants and foreign labour for that. But never underestimate the power of image. You need to appear like you’re working hard. When you take your breaks, leave your phone off the hook so that callers will get a “busy” signal. Consider wearing a headset, so that if you see your boss coming, you can hold your hand over it, occasionally mumbling “uh huh... yes, of course” into the microphone to look busy. Another often-overlooked technique for getting a promotion is: Dress like your Boss – same name-brands, same cologne, same hairstyle. Of course, if your boss is of the opposite sex, you can simply scratch the copycat routine and just act homosexual – believe it or not, it’s cute, even sexy.

But just looking good simply isn’t enough. Unfortunately, you will have to do a small amount of actual work, and you need to have the numbers to back you up. Embezzling is a high-risk, high-payoff endeavour; let it suffice to say that you don’t want to get caught. However, exaggeration and “number-fudging” are perfectly safe. In fact, it’s become quite acceptable. For example, try to initiate small-talk with your clients while they’re on the clock. Then on the billing record, write your 1’s with a tail, in such a way that they might occasionally be mistaken for 7’s by the hourly data-entry personnel. Writing off personal expenses as “business expenses” is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged.

Never pass up an opportunity to play golf with your superiors. What goes on in the office is just the Little League. The future of your career is actually decided out on the green. Impress your bosses, but always let them win. And offer to buy drinks afterwards.

Lastly, if you’re ever in a difficult situation, selectively quote one of the company’s policies or legal agreements. You will be instantly cleared of any blame, without the drama of passing the blame on to somebody else. Such policies are in place especially to protect you from liability, so it’s a win-win situation.

Investments

Once you’ve “climbed the corporate ladder” and accumulated a bit of capital, it’s time to make some investments. This is the most crucial step, as your investments are what will pay for all your estates, cars, and nagging relatives for the rest of your life once you’ve retired. Just like the board game Monopoly, you want to start buying up properties and charging rent. But accumulating property takes time, so you’ll also want to play the Stock Market a bit. There's always a risk, but you can set your own stakes by choosing how much to invest, and when. Basically, you win whenever someone else loses, and vice-versa. The trick is to diversify your investments, keep a keen ear for insider tips, and know when to pull out. It's a little like stealing, but that’s just par for the course. Just don’t get caught with your pants down.

Retirement

As soon as you have a sufficient, stable income from your investments, you can finally retire and start your “real” life. Once you've achieved it, the world is yours. Explore your hobbies. Watch TV all day long. Treat your grandchildren to expensive birthday gifts. Collect expensive sports memorabilia. Go golfing every day, read sappy romance novels, travel the world... In short: put your feet up, and enjoy life for the first time. The world owes you for your suffering; for forcing you to waste your youth. Live life like there's no tomorrow, because you know you can always buy extra years for the right price. Don’t worry, there’s no such thing as a soul.