After the first month in almost a hundred years with no magnetic spots recorded on the surface of the sun, fears are rife that the sun is about to blink out of existence and end all life on earth.

Supermarkets across the country are quickly selling out stocks of tin-foil hats as frantic consumers attempt to purchase their way out of the impending oblivion.

Hope however comes in many forms. And once in a while it comes tall, black and full of warm love for mankind. Democrat candidate and future president Barack Obama has declared that if the sun fails, he will replace it with his own heavenly glow.

Speaking at an outdoor gathering of supporters and press, president Obama announced: "Fear not my friends! As if to fulfill the prophetic faith you have all placed in me, I will realign the gravitation of the solar system to make everything within it revolve around me. And yes, I will shine for you all with a holy light that exudes from deep within me - and all shall live in eternal joy, peace and tropical heat! Believe in celestial change and we can achieve it!"

Republicans, whilst dismissing Obama's proposals as unrealistic, have nevertheless promised to build a new oil pipeline between the earth and the sun to ensure it remains fueled and switched on for at least the next four years. Other counter-proposals include a plan to polish up John McCain's bald head til it is shiny enough to reflect a significant amount of the sun's existing rays; which projections suggest will increase the amount of sunlight on earth by 31.4%.

Idiots are happiest - research confirms. "Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it," claims Professor Brainstorm, whose research at the Institute for Self Evident Statistics has made a discovery hailed by politicians as being useful for guiding future social engineering. Idiots know little, if anything, about philosophy, psychology and self-help methods to deal with stress, but their natural carefree irresponsibility and short attention spans may explain why they have been scientifically evaluated as being happier than others.

"I'm so happy we're living in peace, freedom and democracy, and that the future looks fine for humanity" comments one, barely below average IQ, obese man, Joe. He spends most of his time in front of the "idiot box", and finds that it takes all existential agonies away. The last annoying thing he remembers is earlier that morning when someone "had a go" at him for hanging a bag of his dog's excrement in a small plastic bag on a tree in the park as is his habit, but he laughs this off. "Weirdos like that should get a life!"

As far as admitting to satisfaction with their lot in life, many intelligent people are also happy - but when it comes down to achieving a level of utter lack of concern, and carefree abandon, the stupider the better. By this measure, the odds of being "happy" increased 5% for every 5 point drop in IQ.

Around the world, low IQ is observed where people most spontaneously start behaving in a mob, singing and dancing or accusing others of being under demonic possession or so on - an occasion for some excitement and drama. They are marked by a lack of inhibition. This is also found in homes for the mentally retarded. Such places contain some of the most joyful people imaginable.

Politicians have taken note of the results of this study and some have suggested that it vindicates poor results in education. Rather than attempting to raise levels of educational achievement in the country, it has been argued that the mass of people will be more satisfied with life if they know less.

The British minister for schools sums up the new policy: "As educational achievement goes down in this country, we can expect to see a sharp rise in public contentment. The CBI has long noted that low skill workers make better corporate slaves the less well educated they are. I propose that we aspire to a society with the kind of carnival culture seen in warmer countries such as my personal favourite, Brazil. And global warming helps bring us closer to this goal."

The Carnage UK experience has no beginning, middle or end. It could have started when you thought of going; when you bought your ticket; when you got off the bus - and ended when you got home; when you sobered up; or when you had finally got rid of the sexually transmitted disease you caught as a consequence.

I speak from personal experience that I don't intend to repeat, but I feel generalization is justifiable.

We had been dancing for an indeterminable amount of time, amongst seething sweating bodies in various states of undress, when the cocktail of drink and drugs I had consumed - to get into the spirit of the occasion - really began to take hold.

"I'm feeling light-headed," I gasped to Mel, my flat mate and fellow student. And suddenly there was a huge roar that overwhelmed my senses, and I was terrified that I was under attack from giant obese naked pink rats which might smother me. Great God! What was that terrible garbled sound?

Things suddenly went back to normal, though my heart took a little longer. Carnage UK has been voted "UK's no 1 national student event" for the past four years. I hoped that I could manage to stay focused enough to write a report on it for the student rag, despite the fact that we were both really twisted already.

Around us, the party was in full swing, many of the women were staggering around and tanked up men were attempting to chat them up, viewing their abandon with the alco-pops as being indicative that they were available for pretty much anything else. Some of the women flirted, often feigning that they were lesbians, and at the same time tried to suggest that they could look after themselves by swearing regularly and laughing amongst themselves as if the whole thing was nothing but a game - which was near enough the truth.

The national media had recently run a scandalized expose of how British students regularly binge drink and how we are encouraged to by alcohol promotional nights such as the "Double Vision" night at Liverpool University. Carnage UK had faced accusations that they were a disgraceful part of this drinking culture. That would explain the disclaimer on the website, stressing that we must drink safely. What a joke! With a name like Carnage, clearly we are supposed to get completely wrecked.

What kind of fascist state do they propose where your personality is dictated to you and you can't even go wild and make a fool of yourself! They have no right to tell us to be moderate with alcohol, use condoms or think of our reputation. Reputation? Talk about living in the past! Getting a bad reputation is cool! We're all on the same level in here, no inhibitions, no limits. The kill-joys are repressed, bitterly remaining on the outside and unable to understand how to really enjoy themselves. It's people like them who have nothing better to do than start wars and oppress minorities. The world would be a better place if everyone just chilled out and had a good time.

Mel was now embroiled in a violent melee. An obese blonde with a Playboy T-shirt and matching tattoo, just at the top of her monumental bum - which her shirt didn't cover, had grabbed Mel by the hair and was giving her a kicking. It seemed to be over the bloke Mel had just been talking to. I felt dizzy, and the floor was suddenly slippery with spilt beer, so I fell. Then the slut tripped over me with a howl and released her grip on her quarry. A clearing formed around us enjoying the impromptu entertainment as one of the doormen pushed his way through. He put an arm around Mel, taking her to get some medical help, while appearing to be making a security check down her cleavage. She would be enjoying that, knowing what she's like. I headed for the bar. Some guy I vaguely recognized offered to buy me a drink and I accepted, telling him I would be sitting nearby. Somehow I ended up leaving with him, but my memory of what happened is hazy. Woke up the next morning at his place...

A new study released this week by the American Convenience Organization revealed that as many as 45% of obese people in America are being systematically discriminated against because of their weight. "It's worse than racism," said spokesperson Angus Q. Bluberi. "These people are denied a chance at housing, jobs, love... the American Dream."

The findings have sparked outrage among civil rights activists as African Americans, the traditional targets of civil rights activism, are being abandoned in a quest to address the discrimination against this new group.

"This is the struggle for my generation," said Jenny Fontaine, 17, rail-thin. "Fat people are paid so little they're basically slaves. Unlike the disabled, who have ramps outside every building, they're forced to climb steps and sit in chairs designed for thin people. It's clear bigotry."

Hundreds of thousands of obese Americans are now filing lawsuits against the companies that they feel have in one way or another offended them. Mike Glance, 35, 432 pounds, is one of the victims:

"Wal-Mart is one gigantic racist conspiracy against the obese. First they forced me to work as an office attendant because I couldn't fit between the aisles in the store. Like it would cost them to make the aisles bigger. I heard people snicker all day long, and I found a jumprope -- the obese person's equivalent of a noose -- on my locker. Eventually, my office chair broke and I was fired. I was consistently paid less than thinner coworkers."

Thousands of morbidly obese people planned a civil rights demonstration yesterday in Michigan, but unfortunately owing to higher than average temperatures, only about 40 sweaty activists were able to attend, thanks to a forklift donated by Rutger van der Eete, a wealthy Dutch BBW porn director.

As we drove to Zack and Louise's place I tried to convey my feelings of inadequacy. I have always been concerned that they think me cheap. I am not anywhere near as sophisticated as Louise. It seemed that Joe was on my wavelength, because he gave me a reassuring smile.

While we stood outside the door of the house, Joe said to me "Don't worry love, that high maintenance bitch is just jealous that you're so much sexier than she is." He must have seen the look Louise gave me when we met last month. She is a latex, fully flexible lifelike model with real hair, while mine is immobile plastic. She was even custom-made by GOD, "Geoff's Original Dolls."

Unfortunately Joe's words were overheard by Zack. He let us into the house, frowning, and then hissed at Joe "My wife is high class. Don't you call her a 'high maintenance bitch'. I heard you!"

Not being the tactful type, Joe, inadvisably, tried to reason with his friend, "Let's face it though Zack, yours wants her hair done every day and it takes a lot longer to clean her orifices out compared to Suzy."

"My wife looks so natural, unlike your artificial slut."

We were now in the sitting room and, as Louise and I looked on in discomfort, the two men squared up to each other, Joe flinging me down next to Louise on the sofa. The baby lay, propped on Louise's lap, looking very realistic and making some authentic gurgling sounds. Clearly it was the latest luxury model.

Joe and Zack began to throw punches and wrestle. I could sense that something tragic was going to happen. With a sudden shock, I felt the weight of Zack falling back onto me. I was losing air fast! Somehow I still managed to maintain consciousness despite my flatness.

"F***ing hell! Look what you did! You killed her! Right, that's it!"

Joe took a ceremonial sword that was hanging on the wall and lifted it into the air. In one swift movement he had entirely decapitated Louise. Then Zack almost knocked him out with a left hook. The baby had fallen onto the floor and this had activated a loud and persistent crying noise that stopped the men and brought them to their senses.

"Sorry mate, you see to the baby," Joe muttered.

"You bastard! You killed his mother! At least yours will be okay with a puncture repair kit. How much do you think mine will cost to put right?"

Joe tried to console his friend. "I really apologize that I offended the honor of your lady."

Zack didn't really seem to want to continue to feel bitter. In fact, he grinned at Joe. "That's no lady, That's my wife," he joked, and the two fell about laughing.

"Heh, just as well she can't slap you in the face for saying that."

"That's why I married her though. She can't stand up for herself - she takes everything lying down!"

This sexist talk was really nothing to me. I'm an inflatable sex doll, my expectations of men are not exactly high.

"When GOD made this woman he wasn't thinking about anything but a man's needs!"

"Did you get the baby from GOD too?" asked Joe.

"Indeed I did. He's recently expanded into children."

"Hmmm." said Joe, "I might just order a new wife and family. Not that I wanted to deflate Suzy, but it looks like she's finished anyway."

I have been sitting here a long time now - so long I have lost track of time. It feels like an eternity. I think I will end my days in this spot, waiting for Death and reflecting over my shit life which has, quite literally, gone down the pipes.

J scares me. That's why I came in here and that's why I didn't want to leave, at first. I locked the door when he was going to hit me and told him I wasn't coming out. He yelled "f*** you!" and went. After an hour or so I just decided to stay put - to make a point. I wanted him to be sorry. Why do I always end up with dudes who are so mean? I must have a victim personality. Pa beat me after mom died. J seems like pa so much. Pa used to lock me in the house. We had no TV, no books, no toys. I got used to being on my own.

Eating, defecating and sleeping. That's all I ever do now. But I have so much time to think. I feel secure here. Calmer than I ever did before. Some Indian dude once stood on one leg for like fifty years or something. It's like that - endurance and pain and mind over body. I get a feeling of inner peace, away from all the frantic pointless activity of the rest of humanity. I know I have been here years, but time is standing still.

I used to dream of having some kids and living happily ever after, as in a fairytale. But a doctor told me I couldn't get pregnant because of something I caught one night when I was drunk. But I wouldn't want kids now anyhow. The whole world's going to Hell. Who'd want to be part of it? It's all so pointless and dangerous. If there's gonna be another World War then I might be safer here on the can, at least until the Chinese turn up. If I stay here, I don't need to do anything. I don't have to go to work. I don't have to go outside and face abuse off people. I can just exist. Nobody likes me. Nobody cares, except J. He brings me food anyway. And that's the most love I've ever had. This way I've got some control, someone doing something for me because "I'm worth it!" like those movie stars say in that ad.

It must be cool to be famous. One show I have always wanted to go on is "Oprah." What would I have to do to get that kind of fame though? Everything I do is a failure. I just wanna sit in here and watch that spider in its web up by the light. For both of us this is home.

I can't feel my legs, and couldn't move even if I wanted to. This used to make my ass hurt so bad in the early days. Now I feel like the toilet and I are becoming as one.

J was here not so long ago, bringing food up for me. I love how he does things for me and shows me consideration I never got until I came here. He never has anything nice to say though. Usually he says nothing. This time he did say something. "You dumb bitch, I'm gonna get you moved off that! I‘m gonna get some help."

"If you tell anyone, you'll get in trouble, you know that," I argued. "They'll want to know why you never told them before."

"Jesus Christ!" J said, and hit his head on the wall, in anger. Then he broke his hand, whacking the door with his fist. Not for the first time. He was using some really foul language after that. "You're scaring me J, don't!" I pleaded.

"You're in the right place for s****ing yourself dumb ass." He got a hold on me and tried to pull me off of the seat, but I was totally stuck - and it hurt real bad. I think he is going to tell someone this time. God damn! That could be kind of embarrassing?

International rights watchdog UNISLOB have uncovered evidence that commercial initiatives designed to make trade fairer for the developing world are inadvertently funding volatile military regimes.

Efforts to address the economic inequality between the west and the third world have become increasingly popular with consumers, seeming to improve material conditions for impoverised peoples the world over and, crucially, providing neurotic westerners access to a whole new market of ego-servicing products.

However, farmers in the South American Republic of Mierda Grande have, instead of using their newly-found wealth to improve their own lots, banded together and used it to propel a totalitarian government into power. The group Imperium Mierda swept to power last month amidst a storm of international controversy.

The country's new leader, Chiefo Generalismo Massimo, was himself originally a farmer benefiting from a Fair Trade programme backed by UNISLOB. After making his fortune selling ethically branded Coffee to a popular global coffee-shop chain, The Genernalismo set about first harnessing the will and finances of his neighbouring farmers, then set about gaining support countrywide and with other industrial groups. Finally Massimo, with the support of a disaffected military, siezed power in a popular coup that has led to the eventual purge of numerous high ranking government officials.

"We're all for the freedom and rights of the farmers," an emotional UNISLOB representative told us, "but, you know, they weren't supposed to choose this!" Sobbing aloud he wailed incoherently and half to himself "All we wanted was to help these poor people! They took our love and they turned it into fascism! I feel so used!"

Our reporters snuck in to the now tightly monitored Mierda Grande and asked one farmer, Juan Diajelosphobololos: just why did he back The Generalismo's group? Juan told us: "I dont know....well, they just get things done." "All our old government did was lie to us and let in foreign corporations, who were wrecking our country and kept trying to sell us useless junk. We got tired of being treated like idiots. So we got people in who would send the parasites crawling back to their western garbage dumps." When asked whether he worried the new government would jeopardise his country's new trade relationship with the west, Juan simply shrugged and said "who cares?"

Back home, ethical consumers are now worried that the guilt they assuaged by buying fair-trade products will come back to haunt them. "It's a serious guilt dilemma!" One person told us "On the one hand I want to help the poor and enfeebled because it makes me feel good. but if my money is supporting evil, I dont feel so good any more."

The supermarket Cacomart, a leading force in the growth of the fair-trade market, are now getting nervous as their consumers start to kick back. An industry spokesman told us: "Our customers are sensitive to ethical and social issues and their purchasing decisions reflect this. We want to make that process as easy as we can for them." "Following what has happened in Mierda Grande we will be reviewing our fair-trade policy and looking to move our stake in the moralistic product market to more consumer friendly fields." Stocks of Sugar, Chocolate & Coffee farmed by wheelchair-bound, diabetic, autism sufferers are rumoured to be hitting shelves next week.

Scientists in Austria claim to have solved one of the oldest engimas in all of civilization: how to make the square peg fit the round hole. A small team from the University of Lederhosen in Schwarzenbratwurst announced their breakthrough in an exclusive interview with our reporters. If confirmed, the implications could fundamentally alter the way we think about the universe.

A chief researcher from the university explained that "After hours of testing, formulating theoretical models, conducting statistical surveys and programming mathematical algorithms into our advanced computers, in the end it all came together quite quickly." He continued, "It happened once we noticed all the square pegs we were using were painted blue, whilst the round holes were all red! It was an amazing discovery and really, entirely elementary! All we need now do is repaint both pegs and holes in either red or blue, though we have yet to determine which color will yield the best results, and all will be solved!"

Scientists and politicians everywhere have hailed the work of the Austrian troup, even before it has recieved widespread backing from their peers. President of the European Science Commission José Whatshisface described it as a "milestone in the history of civilization". "The scrutiny of the materialist ideals are at last put beyond doubt" he added, "We dreamt of this day and it has finally come. This is the triumph of modern sciences over logic and reason!"

Elaborating on their findings, the scientists told us "We have not yet had the chance to witness the successfulness of our theories within the test environment, but we are confident they will be corroborated by the evidence." As they wound down the press conference we asked them what use did they think these findinds could be to the public at large? "Our work will change the way we all think about the universe and the way things are meant to be. Quite how yet, we do not know. It's a brave new world of knowledge out there! Anything at all is possible if we simply deem it real!"

(HAT THROW, MO) - All Bobby Wayne Baxter wanted to do was lynch the lying, thieving, illegitimate offspring of a not very nice woman who he says raped his sister. Instead, he's got the NAACP, ACLU, and KKK up in arms about his actions.

"That boy done bad to Suzanne," Baxter spat. "She says no, he goes ahead. So me and the boys were going to take care of it country justice. We got him, we beat him up real bad, and we had him standing in the back of the pickup truck with a noose around his neck going to the tree above, and suddenly, we're drowning in lawyers."

According to NAACP general counsel Howard P. Shermington, the noose is a symbol of white oppression of blacks exclusively, and is covered under several copyrights granted to the NAACP and other black organizations. "Just because the victim, in this case a person of white color, is lynched without intent to defame the symbol owned by black people, it does not mean that copyright law is abrogated. The noose, formerly a symbol of oppression and racism, is now owned by those who were once subjected to it by those who owned them."

Shermington and the NAACP as well as other black organizations are asking for $7.2 million in punitive and actual damages.

Staring at a summons, Baxter puzzled through the situation. "This says we owe them money for infringing copyright. I figured the Sheriff might be upset with us for killing this guy, even though he is a rapist of my sister, but we haven't heard from him at all. Just more lawyers, and faxes. I have no idea how I'm gonna pay this."

(STEPHENVILLE, TX) - The first verified alien visitors to this central Texas town fled quietly after finding out that their parents were right about earthlings, said one UFO crewmember in a brief interview.

Uiuaiuegti, 16 ("approximation of earth-years relative to our biological cycle"), of distant planet Eaeoejni, claims that he and his cohort Ijvheoedt "borrowed" the intergalactic cruiser for a trip away after an argument over the correct removal of garbage from their alien home. The discussion became heated, the authentication tokens were on the reticular plateau, so Uiuaiuegti grabbed them and picked up Ijvheoedt for a joyride.

What they found, however, confirmed their elders warnings.

Speaking through a transputer, Uiuaiuegti said, "They had always told us Earth was a primitive planet where the stupid ruled through their supremacy of numbers, and the intelligent labored on boring tasks to purchase their way out of slavery to the dumb. They said that on this planet, every word is a lie, and those who recognize the lie are called geniuses only if they don't mention the lie in public, because people prefer a painful lie to the risk of new adventure." Uiuaiuegti shook the combined olfactory/visual appendage we might call a "head."

Ijvheoedt chipped in with a woeful "This planet is hopelessly corrupt, and this is why our technology seems so distant to you. If you spent a few months removing your parasites, and then directed your energies at something more productive than selling each other fanciful visions for personal profit, the stars would be yours. We have seen natural selection in action, and we recognize that our parents were right about Earth, and we would like to go home now."

With that the spacecraft vanished in a Texas sky then vanquished to television antennas, factory chimneys, fighter jets, and advertising.

Gamers all over the world have been in a virtual frenzy over the latest gaming craze; Life 2.0.

Life 2.0 gives people the chance to plug in to an online world and say goodbye to their life in the real world. Users can completely customise everything about their new lives and choose exactly how to lead their lifestyles. Enthusiastic supporters are calling it a revolution.

We spoke to one recent convert, Adam; a pale man with a frail frame and spectacles. In his "normal" life Adam has $50,000 of debt and a waste incinerator next door to his dilapidated apartment block. In the online world he is a 9ft tall, steel-skinned, omnisexual Titan named Butch.

"Life sucks man. Its too stressful!" he told us. "I hate all the worries and failures of reality so I'm joining the revolt against it!"

Critics have said the converts are stark raving mad, developers Schwulikous Productions say they are trailblazers, fundamentally changing the way humans think about existence.

"Life has divided and oppressed people in ways that, frankly, we think amount to fascism," CEO Julian Thmythe told our reporter. "Life 2.0 is about liberating people, giving them a chance to experience what equality can truly mean".

As more and more plug into the fantasy world Life 2.0, will this mean the end for reality? Schwulikous are quietly confident it will. "All our market studies suggest we're well positioned in the lifestyle market to beat out even our nearest competitors. Our research shows reality consistently fails to meet the consumers' needs. All we are doing is giving people what they want"

Chairman of the United States Association of Chinese Buffet Restaurants and Disgusting Eating Habits (USACBRDEH), Richard Wang, made a shocking announcement today in a press conference meant to discuss new standards and the use of chemicals such as MSG. What he suggested in addition to the talk of chemical additives has many confused, disgusted, and appalled.

"Too long have I sat in Chinese restaurants across this great nation and left uneasy with a churning stomach. And it hasn't been the food: I am appalled at our customer base. Entire families of slovenly creatures who are disturbingly overweight will eat at our establishments no longer!"

Mr. Wang then went on to explain the details of his radical new plan to battle the obesity epidemic. The new plan proposes that every disgusting family of more than 3 morbidly obese people, 2 or more being children, will not be served in USACBRDEH restaurants.

There is a stipulation, however: these families can still be served if they are willing to give up the oldest child, who will then be slaughtered, cooked, and prepared for the family. If the family is still hungry after the first child—and they most certainly will be—they can also give up the second, third, and any others, if necessary.

Wang insists that his new plan is a necessary measure in a long line of changes for a better future. After somewhat of an uproar, he continued. "Listen: the whole reason we started putting MSG in the food in the first place was to get Mr. and Mrs. Fatass out of our restaurants faster. Obviously that's not working. The desire to over-eat and be lazy comes from somewhere deeper inside them. It's in their genes. These genes must be cleansed, and what better way than for them to do it themselves by eating their young? While most of us don't want kill idiots and slobs on our own, everyone wants a healthier population. This is a step in the right direction."

White-power groups, knowing that a good chunk of those eliminated will be overweight whites, are outraged and claim racism. The ignorant skin heads are claiming that the goal is to wipe out the White Race one disgusting fatty at a time.

"Absurd," Wang says. "If a hundred, a thousand, or a million white trash have to die, then so be it. The goal is not the obliteration of a race. The goal is a healthier gene pool for all."

"We will not be taking members of just any family, but we will not discriminate on terms of race or economic status. A slob is a slob. We will only select the fattest and plumpest—for efficiency, of course—from terrible, worthless families of willing eaters. What I propose is not barbarism. Rather, I propose that people either not eat/eat less, or wipe out their genes. It's win-win, really."

Flesh connoisseurs see no harm done.

"Human served Chinese style? I'd love to try it! You wouldn't believe how good things like human spaghetti are. I can only imagine General Tso's served on a pile of fried rice!"

WASHINGTON, DC (N3) - The Pew Research Center released a survey of the American presidential election with a startling conclusion -- that Mike Huckabee will take the lead not because of his political views, but because Americans can identify with his struggle for weight loss.

"During the 1990s," the report concludes, "Huckabee underwent a ritual that is familiar to most Americans. He had to admit he had a problem, change his lifestyle, and find some way to cram exercise into his busy schedule of kleptocracy, greed, insincerity, graft and ineffectual token gestures thrust at unchanging, deep-rooted, socially unapproachable problems. Huckabee took on this challenge and won, and 78.6% of Americans can identify with that, while only 12.1% are familiar with leadership, success, integrity or problem solving that requires more than two steps, one of which includes a credit card."

Stumping today in Mill Dump, NY, Huckabee commented that this is only one of his many appealing traits. "Americans know me because I'm an American," he said. "Because I'm an American, I struggle with weight loss, religion, immigration, drug use, incest and stupidity, and although I never solve these problems, I keep on fighting, because this is the show y'all came to see and nevermind what happens behind the curtain."

James Watson who, together with Francis Crick, discovered the double helix as the structure of DNA, has been found to have 16 times more genes of African origin than the average White European. He has 16% compared to 1%.

This stunning revelation has led to Watson, who recently sparked controversy by suggesting that Africans are genetically less intelligent than other people, being accused of being unintelligent himself.

"His racist remarks were really stupid, and these facts about his genome being 16% African just go to prove that", said a spokesman for the Commission for Racial Equality.

The validity of all Watson's scientific research, including the double helix, has now been brought into doubt.

Watson may hope that the news that he is many times blacker than the average White human will prove that he should not be labelled a racist, and that he should be immediately reinstated as chancellor of Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory, in preference to anyone else who may be better qualified but less Black.

The Icelandic company deCODE Genetics, that compiled the results from the genome analysis, also found Watson to have an additional 9% of genes from Asian descent, further increasing the gap between Watson and the average European to proportions so vast that even a chimpanzee, with just over 96% the same genes , is far more genetically related to most Europeans.

Scrutinizing Watson's appearance, we may be shocked at how unrevealing are his looks (pointy features, pale skin and blue eyes) of his true genetic makeup.

"Race is certainly far from skin-deep", an anti-racist activist insisted. "If you are found to have African genes then that makes you Black whatever you look like on the outside."

But further shock was still to come, as it came to light that this "man", Watson, is in fact nearly half vegetable! 40% of Watson's DNA is shared with that of lettuce. Clearly Watson is a lot greener than he is Black.

(Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming, US) - Yellowstone National Park, America's first and most treasured national park, has recently become the topic of debate after a group of human rights advocates have called for a "neutralization of dangerous land," claiming that the immense forests and their wildlife pose a threat to disabled tourists.

The commotions began early last week when the human rights group Humans Against Death And Discrimination, led by John Wilkins, launched a series of protests against the National Park Service for refusing to accept the demands that included the "bulldozing of wild forests," "extermination of all deadly animals with sharp teeth," "lowering of water levels in rivers to 12 inches" and "paving of green fields to build hospitals and handicap centers." Wilkins commented to the National Park Tribune:

"Where is our freedom in this country? Millions of obese, stupid, deformed and otherwise handicapped American citizens and foreign tourists alike are being discriminated by the uncontrollable forces of nature. What happens if a dangerous tree suddenly falls down and kills someone or if any of those blood thirsty bears come up and swallow a poor autistic child alive! America, take your responsibility!"

But Wilkins' call for action was met with angry voices from environmentalists around the country, claiming that such demands would mean the destruction of natural habitat for thousands of rare species. Wilkins insisted upon his demands, claiming that "American democracy is intrinsically attached to the belief in human rights, which serves to protect the human individual from horrors such as personal death, natural selection, discrimination and tragedy."

Despite the dismissing of the most radical suggestions from the human rights group, recent efforts made by the National Park Service to negotiate have led to an agreement on some of the proposals to make Yellowstone National Park more handicap-frendly for disabled tourists. Gravel paths will be laid, signs warning for areas with bears will be set up and fences around rivers might be considered.

An upset environmentalist living in the area recently opposed the decision by setting up animal traps near all handicap-enhanced trails. Since then, four disabled people in wheelchairs have fallen victim to the deadly traps, where two have died on their way to the hospital. Ecofascists around the country have celebrated the attempts to reinforce natural selection and now plan to organize a counter project to that of the human rights advocates', making life for tourists in Yellowstone National Park dangerous again.

When Robert Stewart was found at the Aberley House Hostel in south west Scotland, desperately trying to have sex with his bike, he couldn't possibly have foreseen the immense effects of his deviant act. Although critics wrote the case off as "absurd" and "impossible," Robert's case would turn out to be just a small drop in the ocean of a growing trend in our modern society: universexuality.

Just last monday, a middle aged man from Britain was caught trying to insert his penis into a vending machine. "If I hadn't run out of coins, I would have come," the man told the local press. Another shocking incident occurred in the remote town of Bergen, Norway, where the parents to 14-year-old girl Marit Andersen found their daughter trying to masturbate with the gear lever in their new car. "Every time I backed, it was like being banged by an elephant," Marit said before she was taken into custody.

"What we're seeing here is an explosion of what we call 'universexuality' in the West; a sexual attraction to just about anything from cheese, milk bottles and car seats, to roller skates, water melons and bed sheets. It's a revolt against the discriminating hetrosexual culture that for a long time has oppressed the need for equality and individual freedom," Dr. van Horse, specialist in the field, told CORRUPT News today.

While gay lobbies and lesbian feminists have tried to make gender science, "cruising" and AIDS socially acceptable for decades, the modern universexualists have taken the fight for sexual revolution one step further. Matt Steiner, a self-exclaimed universexualist who claims having sex with mannequins in stores is the best thing in the world, agrees that the battle will soon be won: "Before, we had the white middle class family as standard. Now people have realized that sex should be free for all, regardless of gender, race, social status and sexual orientation, just like these wunderbar mannequins here."

Robert Stewart, who is now facing up to six months in jail for having assaulted and brutally raped a bike seat and two chairs, refuses to comment on the recent events: "Please stop harassing me. All I did was something that every horny man together with his bicycle would do, if they were left alone." Despite the police's efforts to stop the sexual offenders from creating a world wide sexual revolution, Dr. van Horse is optimistic about the future: "It may very well be that we can abolish the hateful cultural tradition of heterosexual marriage and start to love all of life's creatures again." van Horse was later caught trying to insert a 3,5 metre long stethoscope into the anus of a homeless dog.

In the Year of World Dysgenics, 2008, the oligarchs in control of the Western civilization devised the ultimate plan to enslave mankind and turn it into a brainless, grey robot race. By subtly manipulating people with television, fast food, sex and Hollywood entertainment, the power would remain in the hands of a few selected who had realized that most of humanity is stupid and therefore can be used for bureaucratic slavery (also known as "jobs") and colonial projects (referred to as "war on terrorism"). Only one man, one unstoppable war machine sent from outer space, would dare to challenge the mass tyranny of the crowd and their political handlers. His name was The Eugenizer.

It was a quiet evening at the McDonald's resturant in Los Angeles, California. Jack Timberlake and his friend Steve Bush were preparing another load of greasy hamburgers for the starving but over-weight American families. Suddenly a strange noise was heard from the back of the kitchen. Smoke was filling the staff room and made it hard to see. And there, tall, Germanic and completely naked, he stood; The Eugenizer!

- Holy macaroni, it's one of those drunk nudists, said Jack and hid under the cupboard.

- Yo pal...don't you get violent on us, we're innocent teenagers. Here, have a Big Mac!, Steve stuttered forward and handed him a hot, greasy burger.

The nude man stared at the burger, identified it as a mish-mash of sugar, fat cheese and chemical substances, then turned to Steve while his eyes started to glow red.

- Fast-Food-Is-Threat-To-Your-Health, the war machine echoed and forced Steve's head down in the deep fryer, together with burning hot fat and French fried potatoes. When his face appeared from the fryer, it looked like he'd collected giant spots for 15 years. Jack was slammed to the wall and dropped dead.

The Eugenizer gathered clothes from one of the dead teenagers and reviewed his mission:

PRIME DIRECTIVE: In order to save humanity from itself, eliminate all human beings less than 120 IQ points and force the rest into mortal combat to eliminate the criminal, perverse, devious and horrible.

Later that night, The Eugenizer found himself at a metrosexual nightclub. Obese morons were happily dancing to a techno-version of "Star-Spangled Banner," while dysfunctional white people were being whipped in black leather custumes by illegally hired Mexicans from across the border. The glimming light of the television portrayed a Republican giving a Democrat a blowjob, to flashing images of prison sodomy from Iraq in the background. As by a stroke of God, the television was shot down from the wall and the Eugenizer appeared.

- Hey baby, you look hot, is that gun for real? I bet you like it rough, huh?!, moaned a grey-looking Russian-African sodomite, holding up two tickets to a U2 concert.

The built-in data system in the terminator alerted him of potential morons nearby: WARNING, WARNING - LOW IQ PROPOSITION MADE. SOLUTION: ELIMINATE TARGET.

- Beethoven-Beats-U2, the war machine echoed and began a violent massacre, painting the walls red with brains that made more sense as surrealist patterns across the room. After the smoke from the machine gun had cleared, a terrified democrat peeked out from behind the bar.

- Can't we vote for not shooting people and stuff, this is getting scary...

He barely had time to finish the last word, before the terminator made modern art from a heap of his flesh and called it a day.

- You-Have-Been-Eugenized!

The State police were now circulating the area with helicopters, holy bibles and US bonds. The terminator walked through the city with rocket launcher and flame thrower, effectively weeding out homeless people, chronically poor, feminists and religious humanists. Now and then an African-American, lit on fire, was seen running down the street and screaming "racist." Religious leaders hid inside their homes and began to calculate the most optimal interest rates for high-income insurances. Nothing could stop the Eugenizer.

- Lay down your weapons slowly and give up, you're surrounded. End the discriminating massacre now or we will have to shoot you and send your son to Iran, a voice from a megaphone said.

But as the police re-organized to catch the terminator, the pilots were given confusing orders from the police officer, who at the time was busy watching Survivor on television and drinking beer, which resulted in the helicopters crashing into each other. In the mean time, the terminator bombed shopping malls and massacred people at cinemas. Piles of bodies now extended to millions, scoring top records that made the Holocaust seem like a play in the sand box. The Eugenizer was on a killing spree, freeing mankind from parasites and defectives wherever he went.

On January the 1st, 2029, The Eugenizer was being hailed as the President of Texas. His reforms included an independent State for intelligent cowboys and beautiful country women alike. Most technology had been reduced to the essentials, concrete jungles were being replaced by open parks, televisions were smashed and deer hunting took its place. Standing proud in front of his people, the saviour from far distant galaxies finished his speech by declaring planet Earth free from World Dysgenics:

- No-More-Morons-No-More-Defectives-Long-Live-Texas

Suddenly the applaudes went silent when a young man stood up with a notepad in his hand and asked:

- But sir, your 'eco-friendly' propositions for 2030 means we'll have to cut back on our economic growth. What will happen to our global corporations?

The terminator turned around and faced the man with a stern look, quickly drawing his AK-47 and made pizza salad out of the liberal.

- Death-Is-Certain-Life-Is-Not, the Eugenizer said and left the scene while people applauded the death of stupidity. Life on Earth was saved.

WASHINGTON, DC (N3) - American neo-Nazis gathered to celebrate and pray as yet another civil rights march descended on this ghetto-strewn city, home to the capitol of the United States, which still insists it is not a third world nation.

Despite media reports of the gentrification of the far right, most neo-Nazis remain alienated working class Irish-German whites who, like mainstream politics around them, are more concerned with backing a winning political viewpoint than finding a solution. As a result, touchstone issues like the civil rights march for the Jena 6 has given them new hope. "I hope they go right ahead and do that," said Dwayne Totenburg O'Reilly. "Each negro that goes to Washington demanding attention for a crime that wasn't is gonna convert more whites to our cause," he said, hoisting a Budweiser with fellow far right activist Roger Hartmann McCullagh.

Today's civil rights march was spurred by the proliferation of nooses following an event in Jena, Louisiana, where several white students hung nooses to threaten a rival white football team, and were only given light punishment for a crime they did not understand. Despite the majority of hanging victims being white, many black Americans feel that the noose is a symbol of white oppression. Consequently, several weeks of racial conflict, protest marches, and generally oblivious statements descended on Jena, putting local gas station owner Bud McCallahan in the clear for the next six months at least, he thinks. "Black or white, I don't care," he said. "Cash, credit or debit, I don't care. Bring 'em on, the wife's got another bun in the oven." A nearby tourist from Israel dropped dead at his words, and an army of grief counselors, diversity experts, cultural sensitivity coaches and anal hygiene experts swarmed the scene.

"We're gonna show 'em," said McCullagh. "Each time black people come down here, accuse honest innocent whites of racism, and then demand more federal money from people who actually get jobs, the white supremacist movement gains a new potential convert." As if to punctuate his statement, he then screamed "WHITE POWER" while downing an entire 16 oz "tall boy" of Schlitz. A nearby white family, loading a new television discounted because of the writer's strike into their secondhand minivan while calculating the percentage saved toward their second child's college fund, were startled by as with most disturbing things, ignored it and drove straight home where they feel safe, at least until the government finally does something about all the crime, climate change, and collapse into third world politics eerily reminiscent of ancient Rome.

When this reporter asked O'Reilly for a futher statement, he could not give one, as he and McCullagh were too busy shouting white power slogans and racial epithets at passing retirees and welfare moms. No black people nearby wanted to talk honestly to a white reporter, so they brushed us off with sayings learned from whites (called "white lies") such as "I'm on my way to a doctor's appointment," "my hair looks terrible," "I've got the aftosa" and "I gave at the office."

The scene faded out to Democrats, Republicans, Nazis and Communists all cheering for their political teams like soccer hooligans. In the shadowy background of international politics, intrigue and finance, unnamed and faceless oligarchs continue gleefully stealing whatever they can in anticipation of the collapse that will render future human generations as squat, moronic apes accustomed to blindly following orders while a few weasel-faced cynics take away any future they might have had, and invest it in weapons stocks.

After a second grader in New Jersey went to jail for drawing a water pistol shooting his teacher, a wave of symbolic terrorism has gripped America as more incidents come to light. In these incidents, which are part hate crime and part terrorist attack, people draw ugly and primitive reminders of death and destruction.

"I was terrified when I saw it," said Susan Lawson, 34, of Merritt's Trace, Pennsylvania. Her daughter, Lisa, now spends her days at the maximum security prison nearby. When Lisa was five, her father died choking on a McDonald's hamburger. When Lisa turned nine, she handed in a drawing of Big Macs attacking Pearl Harbor and was immediately swept into the criminal courts system.

Some attacks have been much harder to detect. The visual terror struck when six-year-old Tom Hankey drew his family's vacation in sunny Sri Lanka, complete with a towering tsunami wave that unfairly took the lives of those who happened to be on the beach. "The language of this drawing is sheer horror," said his teacher, Marilyn Wong. "These waves threaten innocent humanity like the knowledge that we will all die someday, and we had to remove Tommy from class before the hatred and morbidity spread to other students."

Government officials caution that this wave of symbolic terrorism knows no bounds and citizens must be aware at all times. If you see someone drawing pictures or symbols of death, hatred, misery or disease, stop and ask yourself: why would a healthy person draw such a thing? Instead, what you are witnessing is the latest tactic in the terrorist assault on America. Do what's right and turn them in before they can spread the horror.

Washington, DC (CoNN) - Liberals were saved from adopting creationism in the wake of Nobel Prize Winner James Watson's declaration that races were unequal in intelligence, causing many to reject science outright and turn to theology. Luckily, the British Museum intervened with its strong condemnation of Watson for assuming that science can exist apart from social pressure.

Jerry "Shameless" McMurty, a New York City progressive coffee talk activist, led a spirited discussion at Asteroid Shambles, a coffee pub for progressive-minded people in the Tribeca area. "We were all up in arms about it, and then one of my hip cats pointed out the vast amount of scientific research suggesting that not just races, but social classes and individuals, are inequal. And then I was like, 'If science holds back progress, let's try something else.'"

"Something else" turned out to be creationism, which in McMurty's words was "the only peer-reviewed alternative to science." The Progressive Creationist (PC) movement thus began and was immediately hailed by all nearby as a positive future.

"I was like, it's the holy grail of modern city progressives," said Dugash O'Riley as he got another mixed flavor fair trade latte from the bar. "But then we heard the news that the museum had stopped that evil scientist Watson guy, and then he got fired, so we were like, if science can give in to progressive social pressure, we're just going to redefine science instead."

Down the street at St. Christopher's Cathedral, Catholics gathered to pray for the souls of those involved. "I may be a working middle class woman with no college degree," said Edna O'Grady as she lit a votive candle, "but it doesn't take much intelligence to see that those poor neurotic people are lost souls turning their backs on a forgiving God, even if He does hate abortion so."

(Washington, DC) On the heels of media reports that required funding for presidential candidates would top $3 billion dollars this year, a sum inaccessible to anyone resembling the "common man," the United States dropped its pretense and issued official lobbying and corruption prices to the world at large.

"Your government is saving you money," said Antoine Philbear, Senate majority leader. "Where other nations require lobbyists to hint demurely at brain-mufflingly ostentatious political functions, or to whisper discretely behind pillars at charity events for people with no help of helping themselves, we've now got a direct pathway to your government for lobbyists, oligarchs and media barons."

In a city where three of four residents are starving low-IQ illiterates, and the dwindling middle class hunker down behind gated communities and hope for the best, the tony Loudoun County neighborhoods seem detached like an orbiting UFO over an earth of mundane misery. Philbear chose this setting for the formal announcement by the US government, which once prided itself in its integrity, but has recently in the interest of greater utilitarian and egalitarian concerns, cut out the middlemen and made a more accessible, equitable form of quasi-third-world corruption.

"You know the beltway," said longtime political analyst Joshua Hamilton. "It used to be you had to go make contacts at ceremonial events for ideals we no longer can believe in, and it took buckets of money and time. They're just streamlining and privatizing the process, which will save Joe Citizen a good chunk of his tax money."

City insiders said this most recent change was part of a spate of cost-cutting measures designed to prepare an oblivious population for transfer to a third-world state in which a vicious elite rules over the poor and stupid masses as a smugly self-deprecating middle class evaporates. Next in line, according to insiders, is a plan to allow direct purchasing for major news story topics.