Liberalism is one of the slipperiest ideologies you can think of, because its appearance fools us about its consequences. You always hear liberal people talk about equality and individual rights, but when you ask them how they're going to achieve that, their response is a government-sanctioned program. They assure us we should trust the authorities to make us all one and the same. Something's not right here.

Liberals want the government to force us to conform to their nutty equal rights ideals, which not only have proven to increase race and class conflicts, but also bring us bureaucratic tyranny, a robbed middle class, relativist indoctrination at schools, civilization exhaustion, and chaotic multicultural suburbs. To understand the psychology behind liberalism, tune into any random Blockbuster. Here's a handful of their propaganda arsenal:

Strange Days (1995)

James Cameron's sci-fi-millenium drama, involving a rough black police woman, her pathetic white male friend selling human experiences in digital form on the underground market, and his white male friend who turns out to be a psychopath raping and killing women to, in the end, steal his friend's whory rockstar ex-girlfriend. Is that even an actual plot? I don't know, but the movie's pretty entertaining and may at face value seem to carry some depth.

That is, until you realize it's the same liberal fodder suggesting society is in chaos because of an oppressive, white police force set out to execute a famous black rapper who wants to start an equal rights riot. But hey, if you feel discriminated against and belong to a minority, rioting is always the liberal way to go. If you happen to kill someone, blame it on childhood abuse or oppressive power structures in society. Strange Days is liberalism marketed in a slick, appealing form, touching our emotional radar like ice cream stimulates our taste buds.

Crash (2004)

If you thought American History X smelled liberal, wait until your sensitive new girlfriend or closet liberal friend forces you to watch this one. Crash intertwines the fate of several racially charged situations where people of different colors are forced to confront each other. I know this sounds emotional right there, but what's hilarious about this movie is that it eventually becomes something of a comedy. Black people run over Asians, stop the car, notice the "accident;" pull rap jokes, and continue driving. That's the "black crime" in this movie.

The white people, of course, are the real racists here, distrusting their Hispanic locksmith simply because he's foreign. Oh my god! To avoid hitting too much on the whitie, they include a pretty funny confrontation between an Arab and a Hispanic. The problem is that we're having a hard time taking this stupid garbage seriously. In the end, the black woman in the burning car gets rescued by the oh-so-previously-racist white cop. Tear, tear. My old high school still uses this movie as education material about racism. I am not kidding.

Titanic (1997)

Yes, I just had to include it, but why? Isn't it pretty lovely to see Leonardo DiCaprio pick up beautiful Kate Winslet on a steam boat? Don't the soft nude scene and the awesome effects at least deserve some credit? I agree, but if we take a closer look, we see that this movie is nothing but another liberal love story. Let's see: bored out rich girl meets artsy and playful but poor guy, girl and guy fall in love with each other despite class differences, and uptight rich parents are upset.

What next? The boat sinks and of course all the rich people act like selfish monsters, while the poor have to sacrifice themselves, since they are embodied with the glowing spiritual light of Goodness. I can't say all of this crap makes up for the two mentioned positive things about the movie. It's another liberal con job that subtly suggests you're heartless and boring if you've got a lot of money, while you're eternally innocent and full of artistic passion if you're constantly broke. Yawn.

Dr. Strangelove (1964)

I know, I've praised this movie before, and will continue to do so, because it's simply a masterpiece. So what's wrong with it? Anything reducing complex reality to a simple format, which satires by nature do, runs the risk of being used for different purposes than intended. Dr. Strangelove is a hilarious portrayal of how nutty top executives within administrations can cause more conflicts than solve them, and we better heed that wisdom knowing how the Bush Administration became so pragmatic that it circumvented the Western belief in the rule of law.

But we all know that's not how this movie will be interpreted. It'll be seen as yet another liberal shot at right-wing Reaganism. Look at what happens when Conservatives try to establish diplomacy with foreign governments! If we just cuddled and hugged with Gorbachev, Soviet Russia would eventually admire our freedom and join a happy ending. Not. But at least, Hollywood liberals argue, we can dream of it and pretend it's real, and if someone says that's insane, we point to movies like these and claim you're intolerant and bigoted.

Enemy of the State (1998)

Government surveillance paranoia, political murder, underground technology complexes and a black family rescued from all of this thanks to a retired white expert in...government surveillance and underground technology? Pinch me, or am I watching a liberal movie? What's funny about this Will Smith-Gene Hackman Blockbuster is that it not only nails the classic Black/Hispanic/Mexican-White team meme, but also conveys a rather confused view of the government.

Liberals love government intervention for anything and everything unjust, we know that for sure, so why are they making a movie like this? Because the liberals only approve government strength when it's babysitting our kids or collecting taxes, never when it defends itself against terrorism or cleans up violent suburbs. This paranoid worldview suggests we're all victims of an oppressive power structure not to be trusted, unless it's committed to liberal purposes. So as long as we have impotent bureaucracies, government is good, but when it flexes its muscles, it's tyranny. No wonder we're losing the wars in the Middle East.

So you’ve found yourself inheriting complete political power as the head of your national government. You’re an honest guy and your intentions are clear; stick around for four or five years, fiddle every set of statistics you release, and if you do a good job the perceptive electorate will vote you back in for more of the same! You will have upheld the honourable vocation of you and your political brethren in good hands.

But perform badly, or hire some amateurish PR, and you and your party will lose the election. But what if you’re all so systematically incompetent, corrupt or unintelligent enough to bring the actual basis for big government into suspicion? This could mean that a lot of politicians, bureaucrats and public sector workers could lose their jobs; these are your people!

Don’t worry, there is a solution! Everyone knows that half the time in politics is spent trying to justify yourself; with the following tips and tricks, you can safely secure the privileged lifestyle of government, whilst also increasing employment opportunities for you and many other polite yet unproductive workers.

Make the population utterly dependent on you

People are scared of responsibility and the possibility of failing, so start taxing everyone and create a welfare state to take care of the elderly and sick for them. Those who are looked after will be thankful for the mothering. Along with the good Samaritans who pity their sufferance, they will not tolerate any limiting of government intervention. Make sure you tell everyone that people who want to live healthily, care personally for their most loved ones and not pay taxes for comatose alcoholics and weedy flu-magnets are evil!

Destroy consensus

Destroy or make unnecessary whatever relationships there are that hold people together; these provide them with moral fibre which could quite possibly stage a coherent revolutionary platform. Infiltrate, condemn or ridicule religious, cultural, national or ethnic symbolism, and muddy the waters by introducing foreign influences. Place sarcastic "progressives" into high-profile media positions where they can proliferate the meme that conservative opinions are quaint relics. Once these reference points are erased, not only will the public fail to notice creeping authoritarianism, but will be too busy fighting one another over doodles of religious prophets to even begin suspecting it.

Disperse, obscure, and complicate power

Having protesters regularly turn up at your parliament to pester the legislators can be rather boring. What better way to disperse the crowd than to tell them that the matter is out of your hands, and that the relevant decision-making authority is now a devolved, semi-autonomous, and non-governmental organisation based on a small balmy island somewhere in the Indian Ocean?

Effeminise the population

This step may take some time but it is worth it. As well as physically disarming people, steps should be taken to turn the entire populace into hand-flinging metrosexuals who shirk from any confrontation. Ambiguous men with bleached drainpipes and pashmina scarves do not join riots. Successful attempts so far include: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the Eurovision Song Contest and glam rock. Invent and promote camp secular holidays like International Vest Day to speed up the process.

One final tip! Try generally to stick your fingers into everything you can, then claim further government action is necessary once you fail disgracefully: the economy, schools, policing and so on. Unbelievable, but it works!

Talk about the wrong idea:

[Chief Griffin] proposed [a ban on drinking in view of schools, playgrounds, and parks, even on one's own private property] to give police a tool to break up disruptive adult parties. It originally accompanied a measure that would have let police arrest anyone who smokes marijuana in public. (Last fall, state voters decriminalized small amounts of marijuana, resulting only in a $100 fine.) But the marijuana bid was discouraged by Attorney General Martha Coakley's office, he said.

All of which begs the question: Are raucous parties endemic in Dover? Not exactly. The rural town of 6,000 less than 14 miles from Boston is one of the state's wealthiest enclaves.

"There was no particular problem," Griffin acknowledged.

I'm sure when I'm a parent (3+ months) I'll always be nervous about my child seeing someone doing something wrong within their line of vision. Does that mean I should put a blindfold over my child so he or she never sees anyone drink or smoke?

My 3-year-old nephew sees myself, my father, and his father smoke cigars and drink liquor or beer frequently (though in the context of a relaxing conversation, and only when we're done having dinner or taking part in some other family activity – and never getting drunk). Is it the best example to set? Maybe not. Is occasional cigar smoking when it's warm out and the guys want to enjoy some quiet time outside the worst thing in the world – particularly if it's on our own property? Definitely not.

The attitude toward the police state continues, with the herd accepting in greater numbers. In many European countries, wine at the dinner table was an accepted social tradition, and yet somehow, decades after Prohibition, the US ended up with the drinking & drunk driving problem.

Dover's town government would be well advised to stay out of the backyards of the 1,500 or so rich families that live there – and maybe consider thinning its own ranks instead of finding more invasive ways to introduce red tape.

Transit police saw a spike in the number of groping reports on the T over the last year, a rise that coincided with a surge in arrests for indecent assault and battery.

Since the start of the campaign, the number of groping complaints nearly increased 74 percent over the last year, from 48 to 65, according to the MBTA. Over that same period, police arrested and charged 24 people with indecent assault and battery, an increase of 85 percent from the 13 arrests made the preceding year.

Aw, come on Boston – you're taking the "fun" out of "fondling"!

It's good to know that asking for citizens to report more crimes via advertising results in filthy gropers being arrested. I don't know why this doesn't work with rape or murder; have they tried it yet? Getting people together inside a metal cylinder headed for a metropolis to work all day through frustration now has the added benefit of becoming a bona fide police officer on the way home to relieve stress. Stop touching my butt, pervert, or I'll have you arrested! Take your three square inches of personal space elsewhere, I don't care how bumpy this train is!

If everyone can be a police officer (without the gun – minor details), then pretty soon there will be no criminals left – I'm sleeping better at night already.